Top military experts in the US have claimed that the WAR on innocent people who happen to live in Afghanistan is not having the desired effect. “Winning hearts and minds with Shock and Awe is ineffective” says General May-Hemn. “To bring peace to the area we need more men on the ground, more weapons, more depleted uranium – this was really effective in Eyerack – more military hardware would be of some help. The people are unhappy, so we need to make them happy. We need to do this at gunpoint. Excessive force is the only way we can protect their happiness.” President Omaha said “We need change. We need to shoot people. Preferably Afghans.”  Read More →

Les Scott, younger brother to ex-comedian Terry Scott and now a member of Manshitty, yesterday blasted his old manager for saying nasty things about him. “I didn’t play as well as I could have against them(Gooners) but it wasn’t my fault. I gave 100% but they (Gooners) played so much better than we did. Besides, Shitty have offered me double my wage that Neverton could offer me and they want to win things.” Shitty boss Hugh Mark said “We are glad we have landed Les. He is one of the best defenders in the Universe and all our plans rested on him, even though he wasn’t our player.” Les Scott will be available for corporate entertainment from next week. Book early to avoid disappointment.  Read More →

Little chef, Edward Elizabeth Hitler, who is just 4′ 3″ and is the smallest chef in Britain, has won a top food industry award it was revealed last night. Hitler, 44, took up the challenge of providing second rate nosh for top rate prices last year. He won the award with cow cheeks and cow pie. Desperate Dan said “It’s good to have somewhere else to get my cow pie from. Of course they’re not as nice as the ones Ma makes”  Read More →

The National Health Socialists have today announced that all old people can donate any spare body parts they no longer require. Dr Joe Mangler, the former Australian actor, who became the head of the NHS in 2008 said “Because old people are nearly dead anyway, it makes sense to harvest from them any body parts we need. We are expecting the first wave to be voluntary, but if it is successful we may make it compulsory for everyone over the age of 65. If they want medical care, they need to give. A kidney, for example, would keep them in a nursing home for 6 months.” A spokesperson for Help the Aged said “It’s too early to tell if this will be a threat to elderly people.”  Read More →

The manager formally known as “Purple Hair-Dryer” has admitted to recoverypages that he is scared that the other big clubs in the premiership might be able to beat his bunch of  big girls blouses when they meet one of them this weekend. A spokesman for the G00ners made a comment, but he had a mouthful of jellied eels and was more incomprehensible than usual. The Manure spokesperson was busy stuffing prawn sandwiches into their gaping maw. They had the crusts cut off.  Read More →